Generation X is the Generation of Caregivers

We’re the filling between two generations. Think of us as the meat, cheese and veggies. The peanut butter and jelly. We are Generation X. We’re caring for those who came before us and those who are still under our roofs. My kids are 25, 21 and 220. My mother is 92 and my sister is 49. María, my eldest kiddo, said to me once, “mama, you’re still a caregiver even though we’re all adults.” Because that’s just how life is right now for Gen X.

If María is sick and needs to go to the doctor, they call me. Giancarlo needs reminding to fill his prescription. Ryan asks for advice on cooking. I know I can count on my kids to help me when I need it, so it’s not a one-way street, but the mama in me is always making sure my kids are happy and healthy. And eating!

Caregiving for My Mother and Sister

Like many immigrant children, I was tasked at a young age with writing notes for school, filling out forms and explaining something in Spanish that my mother didn’t fully grasp in English. It’s a form of caregiving that thrusts us into maturity long before we’re ready.

Although my ma learned English well enough to demand justice for my sister at school and to hire a lawyer when she divorced my father, there were a lot of concepts that she didn’t understand. And she never learned to write English. She stopped driving when the pandemic started and it fell on me to take her and my sister to any doctor or dental appointments.

Although Ma is in pretty good health, she recently started taking medicine for osteoporosis, and she has extremely dry skin. She has a touch of anxiety and I beg her to go to a senior center because as I tell her, “I can’t be your only source of entertainment.” But she she says she doesn’t like being around old people. (Ma’am, you’re 92, you ARE old people!)

My sister has Down Syndrome and is going to be 50 in November. Rebecca’s health issues have increased and gotten worse over the past five years or so, both physical and mental. (People with Down Syndrome tend to age at a faster rate than the general population.) This means that there are caregiving duties that are new to me and our family. She has Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension, gastroparesis, she’s had to have loose teeth pulled and she has anxiety. In addition to new medicines, we’re now having to blend and mash her food to make it easier for her to eat.

Paid Caregiving Is a Right

I’m lucky. I’m a paid caregiver. I have health, dental and vision insurance, a retirement plan, worker protections, trainings and even a new pair of work shoes every year. This isn’t the case for all paid caregivers. (Shout out to my union, SEIU 775!) Getting paid as a caregiver comes with its own challenges. If your client doesn’t qualify for state assistance, but can’t afford to hire outside help, family usually steps in. (And even if your client has Medicaid, there’s now a fear that this important safety net will be pulled out from under them after the passing of the tax cuts in July.)

If your client qualifies for state assistance, like Medicaid, there’s still no guarantee you’ll be paid on time and no guarantee you’ll be paid fairly. For the longest time in Washington state, live-in caregivers were penalized for umm, living with their clients. The state’s position was that since we lived with our clients, we’d be providing care for them anyway, so there was no need to pay us. There was a lawsuit, the state settled and caregivers received compensation along with a rule change that treats all caregivers the same.

Except live-in caregivers aren’t the same as others. My sister lives with me and I’m limited to 40 hours a week, 160 hours a month in compensation. My work day doesn’t end at 5 o’clock every day. I’m permanently on call if my sister needs me. And I don’t get paid for helping my mother. That’s all free labor.

Hold My Beer

There’s always some kind of competition among generations about who had it best and who currently has it the worst. There’s lots of squawking between Boomers and Millennials, or Boomers and Gen Z. Meanwhile, Gen X is sitting in the corner, being ignored (as usual) and watching the fights.

But when it comes to having our goals put on hold (personal, professional, social), Gen X is in first place. We are the Sandwich Generation, the generation stuck between these warring factions THAT WE NEED TO CARE FOR. And we’ve got tons of debt and little saved for retirement.

There’s no time for this bullshit. We got stuff to do.

You wanna complain about your lack of retirement savings? Increasing debt? No emergency fund? Hold my beer. We’ve been putting personal and professional goals on hold since the 1980s. We’re anti-social raccoons who sneak food at midnight while the older and younger generations are sleeping because during the day we’re too busy taking care of you all.

Luz’s story

Luz Mar is a money coach and caregiver in Long Beach, California, and primarily works with women of color. Luz’s story is almost a match of my own. She is the eldest daughter (check) of three children and she’s her mother Angelina’s primary caregiver (check). Her mother is an immigrant (check) from Mexico and like my mother, worked long hours to support her family. Luz got into money coaching when she went through a program that taught her how to manage money and set goals. She took dream trips to Japan and India (see her website for the beautiful photos), and she was saving money for a down payment on a home.

Then the pandemic hit.

And she lost her job as a contractor.

Her mother started having health issues.

And then her mother was diagnosed with thyroid cancer.

To make ends meet, Luz started to patch income together through unemployment and gig work. She was careful with her money, but still had to dip into her savings to pay living expenses. She began coaching and had an established online presence when her mother began to have health problems.

When Angelina’s health issues started, Luz had to put her life on hold and tend to her mother. There was no more coaching and earning money and dreaming of her own home. Her life turned into a series of appointments, looking for resources, specialists, and seeing her mother through two life-threatening surgeries and cancer radiation treatments. “My mom made so many sacrifices for us, working multiple jobs to sustain us,” so obviously Luz was going to care for her mother full time. Eventually, for some, we end up making sacrifices to help those who sacrificed for us.

Value of Caregiving

According to the AARP, in 2021, the estimated economic value of family caregivers’ unpaid contributions was approximately $600 billion, based on about 38 million caregivers providing an average of 18 hours of care per week for a total of 36 billion hours of care, at an average value of $16.59 per hour. Mar 8, 2023.

Luz wasn’t paid as a caregiver for about six months, which is actually pretty common. It didn’t matter that Luz was seeking out the care her mother needed, making appointments, talking to doctors and specialists and making decisions. She lived with her mother, which meant she was also taking on household duties. This is referred to as being an informal caregiver. This is a term I hate because it doesn’t reflect the reality of the work that’s done to care for someone. It doesn’t matter that Luz was doing a lot of physical work and mental labor to care for her mother.

Informal caregivers can be defined as those that are not professionally trained or compensated by institutions and that provide consistent care for family, friends, and loved ones. In 2020, there were more than 53 million informal caregivers in the United States, each with varying challenges to their caregiving role.

United States of Care

Luz became eligible for pay about a year after she had started caring for her mother. Once eligibility kicked in, she still had to wait to be paid. She was finally paid in December 2023 and received back pay for six months. This is one way states take advantage of family and friends who provide care. They know we’re not going to quit in protest. Financially, it makes sense for states to pay fair wages to caregivers. It saves them money to keep people in their homes than to place them in an adult home or nursing facility.

Financial Setbacks for Gen X Caregivers

Luz has a 401(k) and a few other accounts, but isn’t contributing to them at the moment because her income has dramatically dropped over the past two years. This puts her in a vulnerable position. During our conversation she said she was going to have to find other work until the coaching kicked up again. As the economy and job market is still reeling and inflation is biting into us, this hasn’t been easy.

In an article on Nasdaq.com I was asked about what Gen X would want to see from a potential Harris administration. One of my major concerns is Gen Xers not having enough saved for retirement because of decreased income due to caregiving. We need policies at the federal level to ensure caregivers don’t lose out on the time value of money. We lose that when we decrease or eliminate contributions to our retirement. This affects both our 401(k)s and Social Security.

Luz is also worried about her mother’s retirement. “I am worried about having enough money for mom’s retirement and also for my own. This has definitely been very stressful and I’m still figuring out the best way to increase my income, so I am able to cover us both.”

I asked her what she thought caregivers could do to prepare for their financial future. They need to be educated and “start saving/investing for retirement as soon as possible. The sooner you know exactly how much you need to retire and plan for it, the better prepared for retirement you will be.”

Mother’s Health and Social Life

In April 2024, Angelina had her trach (tracheotomy) removed. But she’s not yet cancer-free so they’re playing the waiting game. At a point in the future, doctors will reassess and determine if Angelina is in remission. And it’s not only Angelina who has to wait, but Luz as well. “I hesitate to relax completely,” she says, because the future is uncertain. “I have faith God will continue to heal mom and she will eventually be cancer-free.”

During this time, Luz knows it’s important to balance her own social life with caregiving. “I started to see my mom blossom again and be normal in her mood. And because of that, I allowed myself to like OK, if I go somewhere with a friend, it’s OK.” Luz meets friends occasionally to go out to eat and go on hikes. “I love to dance. My social life is definitely picking up.”

It’s difficult to balance a social life with caregiving. We’re physically and mentally exhausted at the end of the day. Imagine explaining to a potential date that 1) you live with your parent; and 2) you’re their caregiver and can’t take off on trip to Europe on a moment’s notice. And so we struggle with whether to tell a potential date right away that THESE ARE OUR CIRCUMSTANCES or keep quiet until the right moment. Luz had decided to be vulnerable with a potential date and tell him what her life is like. “I’m my authentic self, she said. I used to feel shame about being in this situation (being a caregiver, being single) but I’ve turned that into a positive.”

Bon Voyage? Leaving Town

Taking time off is hard. Luz hadn’t really been away from her mother for a long time before she decided to go to New Mexico to visit a friend. Planning was more than just booking a flight and packing a suitcase. It also involved getting help from her sister, making sure her mother had groceries, medicines and making sure everything was in order so she could go on her trip in peace.

Fortunately, it all worked out and she was able to take her trip without any issues. Her sister filled in for her when her mother needed something and it gave Luz the confidence to know she could take time off, which she deserved to do.

Self Care For The Caregiver

Luz says to “prioritize self- care and mental health, whether it’s affirmations, going to therapy, exercise, do things you enjoy. Start every day with a way to replenish yourself. I will tell you that has been the main thing that has carried me through and even when I have challenging days, it would be so much worse if I didn’t prioritize my mental health.”

Luz knew that with her mother’s trach being removed she could lose her paid caregiver status. She needs to make the case that her mother is still in need of care so she can continue to get paid. Getting a trach removed doesn’t mean that the patient is completely healed. There is a risk of infection, there are follow-up appointments, medications and home care that needs to be dealt with.

In Washington, clients have an annual assessment to determine what their needs are, and a more thorough assessment every two to three years.

Final Thoughts

If you’re taking someone to the doctor, picking up medications, providing social exposure, doing laundry and housework, cooking and helping someone make decisions about their physical and mental health, you’re a caregiver. Even with the upcoming cuts to Medicare, Medicaid and who knows what else, seek out agencies in your state for assistance and guidance. Start your internet search with “senior services [your state] or “disability services [your state]. You can also start with the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, which has links to state agencies. Look in your city or county for senior centers for respite care.

And finally, take some time for yourself. Whether you meditate, pray, medicate (this isn’t a typo), go to therapy or simply enjoy being in nature, take a few minutes out of every day to clear your mind. And ask for help. It’s hard for those of us who had to grow up too fast, but it’s not fair that we shoulder this burden alone. It’s too big a job for one person.

Want to get in touch with Luz? She’s accepting clients! Reach out to her on Instagram @mujeresmoneycoach or at mujeresmoneycoach.com.

For resources on how to care for your mental health as a caregiver, please check the Bee Money Coaching Resources page.