Got Mental Health? This is How It’s Connected to Money
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Halfway through my last pregnancy, I opened up to my midwife and told her that I suffered from post-partum depression after my previous pregnancies. I knew this pregnancy (my third) would be my last and I didn’t want to feel the darkness. She had me talk to the clinic psychiatrist who offered therapy and asked if I’d thought of medication.
The plan ended up being that I’d have therapy sessions during and after the pregnancy, and I’d start taking a very low dose of an anti-depressant when my baby was born. The doctor couldn’t give me assurances that the medication wouldn’t hurt my baby, so I took my first dose literally while I was in labor.
A few years later, I mentioned to an important person in my life that I didn’t want to be on an anti-depressant. My mother didn’t know, so I couldn’t talk to her. So I told the only person that knew. And the reply was that if I only started exercising, then I could probably go off them.
I felt like I was being judged. And shamed. I was already judging and shaming myself, so this was just more of the same. In the end, I stayed on the meds mostly because I was afraid of what I’d do if I wasn’t on them. They helped me get through some of the worst moments of my life.
But as time went on, I wanted to get off them more and more.
ADHD Diagnosis Reveals All The Feelings
And then I was diagnosed last year with ADHD. Which explained A LOT about my mental state throughout the years or my feelings of inadequacy or my feelings of burnout and overwhelm.
It was actually my eldest kiddo María, who at about age 17, asked me if I’d ever considered that I might have ADHD. We were in the car one day and I was talking nonstop and jumping from subject to subject. I sort of laughed off their suggestion, but my mind immediately went to my second kiddo, Giancarlo. Giancarlo sort of had symptoms of ADHD but because he wasn’t really hyperactive, I didn’t think he had it. (I’ve since learned that just because G and I aren’t hyper doesn’t meant that we don’t have racing thoughts and also that ADHD exists on a spectrum! Also, symptoms in people assigned female at birth will present symptoms in a different way than people assigned male at birth.)
Giancarlo took it upon himself at age 19 to get a diagnosis. And his thinking was spot on. After that, all three of my kids were telling me to please get a diagnosis already. Because with neurodivergence, where there’s one in a family, there’s more!
After getting my diagnosis, which surprised NO ONE, I began to do research. I jumped onto PubMed and read studies. Used ADDitude and CHADD for resources. Read about ADHD in women, postmenopausal women, immigrant women and Latinas. I talked to my psychiatrist and other middle-aged women. I started following social media accounts of people with ADHD.
What ADHD Has Taught Me
I learned so much about myself over the past year and kept yelling out, “That’s me! I do that!” And “I’m not stupid/lazy/incompetent” and so much more.
Even with all the information, two connected things kept coming to the forefront:
- This explains a lot about why I (and so many others) with ADHD struggle financially; and
- Why we have symptoms of depression and anxiety (but may not actually have depression and anxiety)
I asked myself, “Am I depressed because I suck at money?” Or do I suck at money, which makes me be sucky at money and that is what’s making me depressed?”
Then I reminded myself that I’m not bad AT money. I know the smart things to do, like invest for retirement, don’t try to time the market, save for goals. But it WAS SO HARD TO DO THOSE THINGS THAT I KNEW I HAD TO DO.
The thing is that people who suffer from a mental disorder find themselves unable to do the THING. And I thought it was just me who was unable to do the THING. Learning that others also have trouble getting started makes me feel less alone.
And feeling less alone is helpful (at least, for me). I’ve taken that comfort and turned it into making better decisions with my money.
Going Off Meds
Late last year I decided I wanted to be off the anti-depressants by the time my youngest turned 20. My last dose was just a few weeks after his birthday in August.
I wanted to get off the meds because I began to connect my depression and anxiety to things going on outside my body that I can’t control. And I’ve learned a lot of tools and hacks to help me manage my ADHD.
Much credit is due to my eldest, María. Two years after graduating with a degree in Social Work, they enrolled in a masters program to become a BCBA (Board-Certified Behavior Analyst). They’ve worked in educational settings and in an adolescent psychiatric setting, where they’ve learned a lot about mental health. It was María who affirmed something to me about how my depression symptoms.
Working backwards, it makes sense. So I’ll use my previous job as an example.
Job Jumping
I worked for a non-profit for almost a year before quitting before I got fired. I enjoyed the tasks, but I didn’t get along with my supervisor and I had a lot of problems with a co-worker. My training wasn’t good enough or long enough to help me feel confident in managing hundreds of thousands of scholarship funds.
I kept making mistakes or forgetting things. I took notes because this co-worker would start to berate me for not doing X thing when I didn’t know what X thing was because I wasn’t at work the day it was discussed.
So I quit.
I didn’t think of it at the time, but I should have applied for family leave. I might even have gotten a diagnosis sooner which would have led to me asking for accommodations.
But I felt dumb and as one of the oldest people at this organization (was 52), I was made to feel like maybe my age was showing (which is age discrimination) and that’s why I couldn’t hack it.
The world isn’t built for neurodivergence. In capitalism, we’re molded into automatons. We’re supposed to be normal, whatever that means. And when someone deviates (or in the case of ADHD and Autism, diverges), we cause problems for the established structure. We’re the spanner in the works. The wrench in the spokes. And the economic systems don’t make room for that.
This in turn causes us to feel like, “shit, I’m the one who took too long on the assembly line and now it’s fucked for everyone.” Everything comes to a stop. We’re no longer part of the production. No longer productive. And if capitalism thrives on anything, it’s production. And we don’t own the means. Someone else does.
Going Off The Meds
Sertraline (generic for Zoloft) was the medicine. I’ve been off it for about a week. Mentally I feel fine. I definitely cry more. The numbness has lifted. I feel my feelings. I’ve had to take care to not watch videos of ICE raids or bombings around the world. Obviously I recognize my privilege in being able to do that. So I’m using that privilege to do things for my community.
My doctor asked why I wanted to go off the medication. I told her that getting the ADHD diagnosis made me understand better why my brain works the way it does. And that I’ve developed hacks and learned about different tools that can help me. “Besides,” I said. “I can always go back on them if I feel I need to.” She agreed and we developed a plan for tapering off.
To Medicate Or Not To Medicate?
Should you go on an anti-depressant? Should you stop taking it? That’s such a personal question and there are a lot of factors to consider. You need to think of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of your decision. And as always, the best thing to do is to talk to a professional who can guide you.
I didn’t go on or off my anti-depressants to make a statement. At least, not to anyone but myself. I used medication as a tool, along with therapy. There are lots of tools to help manage a variety of mental illnesses. Some tools include exercise, diet, medication and therapy. Individually or all at once.
Which leads to the question of money. Insurance. Access. If someone doesn’t have insurance that pays for medication, they have to pay out of pocket. If they can’t afford to pay out of pocket, then they may apply for Medicaid. But if they make too much to be on Medicaid, they may have to use community health services. And if there are no services nearby, they may have to use virtual options.
Resource Page
I’ve put together a resource page for financial, mental health and legal services. Please let me know if there’s an organization I should add by using the form below!
