Bankruptcy and Beyond: Lessons From My Story Featured in The New York Times

Last summer I wrote a blog post on my experience with bankruptcy. I cross-posted it to my Medium account and Rachel Kramer Bussel, a reporter from The New York Times, contacted me, asking if I’d be interested in sharing my story. The result was a feature in The New York Times that was freeing and cathartic.

Since I love to talk about money, I said “YES!” We set up an interview and talked about the details behind my TWO bankruptcy filings, why I filed and the aftermath. My only debt consisted of back mortgage payments. Before anyone congratulates me for not having other debt, it’s only because my credit was so bad I didn’t dare apply for credit.

(Also, being behind thousands of dollars on your mortgage is bad enough.)

I liked the idea of talking about my struggle because as a money coach, I talk to people about releasing shame and teach them new ways of facing their financial challenges. Sharing my experience with bankruptcy in The New York Times would be a way to walk the walk. Maybe someone would find comfort in my situation and find the strength within themselves to take whatever action was appropriate for them.

But–Stop the Presses!

Like literally STOP.I

I knew that the article wouldn’t be published right away. But as time went by and I didn’t hear back from Rachel, my anxiety went into overdrive, and I started having doubts about whether I should share my story. I started asking, “What will people think of me?” People being acquaintances and friends and family who don’t follow me on my business social media. Then came “The Times comment section is brutal. WTF are you thinking??” And finally, the shame.

Then I had to give myself a good talking to and remember that 1) I’m not the only person I know who has declared bankruptcy; 2) What appears to be a perfect life on social media is far from it; and 3) Sharing this could help remove the taboo of talking about our personal finances.

So I got on with my life, took a vacation and funnily enough, I forgot about it. (Yay for ADHD!) Until I was going through immigration in Atlanta on my way back from Panama and I opened a text from the photographer sent by The Times to take my picture. Shit was getting real.

Facing My Fear

When the photographer came over to take pictures, we chatted about my participation in the article and why I needed to talk about this part of my financial past. There is so much shame surrounding debt and bankruptcy that you probably know a handful of people who’ve filed but they’ve never told you because it’s embarrassing. It’s for those people that I decided to participate in the article. Think of this as the first step in removing the stigma. Being open.

Being in debt is lonely. It doesn’t help that we have people shouting at us to “be responsible,” or “you have no one to blame but yourself. Or how about, “I paid off my student loans, so why should yours be forgiven?” Capitalism is at the root of this mentality. Individuality. Lack of community and mutuality. Just work harder. If I can do it, so can you. Why should society pay for someone’s inability to manage their finances?

The Debt We Carry

People get into debt for many reasons. But what many don’t talk about is that there’s a combination of factors that drive people to get into debt: materialism, dependence on credit, a lack of financial literacy, poverty, a buy buy buy mentality, loneliness, addiction, medical expenses, job losses, extortionate interest on payday loans and so much more. And then what happens? We blame people for their circumstances, instead of looking at what drove them there.

I didn’t have commercial debt like credit cards or loans when I filed for bankruptcy. If you read The New York Times article, you’ll see that a particular set of circumstances snowballed into a six-figure debt to my mortgage company. Had I been irresponsible? Yeah, for sure. And sometimes (not as often anymore), I wonder if things could have been different.

Maybe.

But then, maybe I wouldn’t have learned so much about myself (and about money!) to be where I am today. This is why now, when I’m coaching, I create a safe space for clients to rage, to cry, all without judgment. I know what it’s like to feel judged.

What I Learned About Myself After Filing for Bankruptcy

First, the black and white. If I’d had emergency savings, I’d have been able to pay my mortgage on time and replace the funds with my next paycheck. The problem was that I was paid once a month. If I missed the deadline to call in hours, I was fucked until the next month. It was a shitty system which has since changed, but at the time, it caused a lot of hardship for me and other caregivers.

Now I have robust emergency savings in a high-yield savings account. Having an emergency fund is something that I drive into the heads of clients. I want to put the fear in them that you never know what can happen. Have a fund to dip into for the unexpected is crucial.

Next up, my strength. Filing for bankruptcy, going through the process and having to make REALLY HARD DECISIONS changed me. I had to stop being strong and having an I-CAN-DO-ANYTHING attitude to taking a look at what brought me to this point in the first place. If you dig deep enough, you’ll find strength too. Maybe not my kind but that doesn’t matter. As long as you recognize where your talents and skills are, you’ll find strength that helps you move mountains and cross the deep valleys.

Third, you know how in life we want good times and feelings to last? Think of that moment of happiness when you get married. Maybe you feel bliss when you view a sunset from a mountain. You want to capture that feeling. Hold on to it. It makes you giddy. But it doesn’t last. You remember, it for sure. As time goes by, the feeling dims. But you never forget.

The same thing happens with events in our lives that we want to leave in the past. You feel like you’re drowning in darkness. That there’s no way out. No one can talk you round and you feel cold and hopeless. It’s something you don’t want to feel. I promise that with help, you can manage those feelings. Help can come in many ways and when you ask for help or support, those feelings will begin to dim with time. There are days when I feel a flush coming on my cheeks when I think about my financial past. The feeling of shame and embarrassment is there, but it’s fleeting.

I didn’t wake up one day and all of a sudden feel better. Life doesn’t work that way. But you don’t have to hang on to those feelings that diminish the person you’re mean to be.

Obviously I wish I’d never faced bankruptcy. That I’d never faced the situation that put me in a situation where I faced bankruptcy. I’ve accepted that it happened. And a lot of good came out of my experience. It can do that for you too.

Fourth. I learned that I have a problem that’s affected my life in so many ways, but I didn’t know it. I was diagnosed with ADHD earlier this year, so yeah, I’m totally gonna blame ADHD. Maybe not completely, but for sure a huge part. But I can’t blame only ADHD because there are so many factors that have contributed to this problem. All I know is that this is one place where I can say, “Aha! You acted in the theater of my life and I’m taking away your script!” Or something like that.

We all have a something that makes us the way we are. Whether it’s neurodivergence or a lack of financial literacy, or growing up poor or not having someone teach us. I can’t cure my ADHD, but I recognize it as something that has gotten in my way. Now I can do things (therapy, medicine, tools) to minimize the impact it has on my life.

Fifth, I learned that fear made me get my fucking act together. It’s not a good thing or a bad thing. All I know is that sometime between the two bankruptcy filings, I knew things needed to change. So I changed what I knew I could control. I could control my spending and savings and be more mindful of where my money was going. If you sit down with yourself, write down what you fear. Do you fear losing control? Are you afraid of losing money in the stock market? Do you fear you won’t have enough money to retire? Do you fear what your parents will think? Then look at what you wrote and determine where you have some control. Everything else goes in the garbage. If you’re in Seattle, it goes in the compost.

Sixth, I got to work. I began depositing my small weekly paychecks from my paralegal job into a savings account. I ended up opening a high-yield savings account because the interest rate at my credit union was shit. But I was proud that this little paycheck was building some savings. Then one month away from my 50^th birthday (and two months before the world shut down), I opened a Roth IRA with $100. I felt like I was pulling up my big girl pants with a RETIREMENT account at a BROKERAGE FIRM. I loved throwing those words around.

Seventh, I got the fuck over myself. And so can you. You’re the only person standing in your way. But it doesn’t happen from one day to the next. I’m hard-headed. Terca. I have to be hit over the head more than once to understand something. (My primo says I laugh at jokes three times: first, when I hear it, second when it’s explained to me and third, when I finally get it.)

Even so, eventually I understand. And that’s the point. It takes a lot of mindset work to understand what caused you to make the mistakes. And yeah, I know you’ve made mistakes. Because I’ve made them. We all have. Anyone who thinks they’re perfect is full of shit. How will you ever learn if you don’t make mistakes? Puh-leeze!

Also, I’m still making mistakes. But now I recognize them as lessons, and I move on. I’ll throw a tantrum and then partner with someone to hold me accountable. And it works. The important step is to look at it, acknowledge, take some time to go, “Ah, I see what happened here.” Fix it and move on. I promise that by taking those steps and giving yourself some grace, you’ll be able to continue moving forward.